Summoning is Apparently Overrated
by The Darkness Factor
Summary: The Eidolons are bored out of their minds, since they aren't allowed into the sequel.  Odin tries to write a newscast, Hetaconcheir's convinced he's female, and Alexander isn't doing... anything.  Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy XIII-2.
1. Introducing the Eidolons

"And now, we bring you the latest updates on the weather in Valhalla. It would appear that the cloud cover hasn't changed. No sunshine, which is basically normal. Is there even a sun in Valhalla? It hasn't been proven. However, a storm appears to be coming, in the shape of-"

Odin was cut short by a fire blast in his face. Immediately he froze up, turning to scream at the perpetrator.

"GODDAMNIT, BRYNHILDR! You melted my awesome helmet! Again!"

"Shut up, fool!" bellowed the cranky, high on booze female Eidolon. "Quit glorifying ya mistress like she's the lord almighty."

"Well, she did get more screen time than afro man," commented Bahamut, hiccuping. He yawned. "Where's Hetacon, anyway?"

"He's trying to fight Stiria for the mirror," said Odin, scowling at his fifty-second ruined helmet. "Thanks a lot, Bryn; this thing took twenty three years to make!"

"Years don't mean nothin here, fool," snapped Brynhildr. "Now shut up, I'ma gonna pass out. Any minute now, you'll see..."

Out of nowhere, a bright white light shone down on the two drunk Eidolons. Bahamut let out an unmanly shriek, while Brynhildr jumped up in fury.

"YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT ETRO? FUCK YOU TOO! JUST CUZ YOU CAN'T GET DRUNK-"

"Honey, I'm home!" sang Hetaconcheir, sauntering over to Bahamut, who immediately shrank away from his many hands. "You're looking sexy todaaaaaay!"

"For the last freakin' time, Het," called Nix, her hand glued to her forehead in a permanent facepalm. "You aren't a woman!"

"Shame," muttered Bryn. "Imagine what he could do with those hands if he was... he could cure you of your pissyness, Odin."

"I'll have you know I'm straight as Tifa Lockhart's hair!" Odin replied heatedly.

"Don't even get me started on her hair," sighed Stiria, who conjured up a sofa and laid down upon it. "What I wouldn't give..."

"Sucks for you, wheelhead!" hooted Hetacon. "By the way, where's Alex?"

"He's over there," said Odin, jerking his head over to where the massive Eidolon sat, staring into space. "I think he's drawing rabbits again..."

A short span of silence followed, in which the only discernible sound was the screeching of faraway fangirls as Caius showed up yet again in the game.

"...I once had sex with a rabbit."

"Het, we did not need to know that."


	2. Chapter 1: Meet Bahamut's Evil Twin

Chapter 1: Meet Bahamut's Evil Twin

"Oh, sorry guys, I gotta go!" yelled Odin. "Thank Etro I got this new helmet fixed before my mistress called me..."

"Yeah, that's right!" Bahamut muttered as the horse Transformer left. "Just go off, have fun kicking bad guy ass. You know, horses aren't even that cool anymore."

"Well, neither are dragons," pointed out Stiria, eating chocolate.

"Where did you get that?" yelped Hetacon.

"Bugger off!"

Bahamut was incensed. "What d'you mean, neither are dragons?"

"You kidding?" asked Nix, still trying unsuccessfully to get her palm unglued from her face. "Have you seen some of the dragons around lately? I mean, come on; Spyro is, like the cutest thing ever. And let's not forget that movie, How to Train your Dragon. Not exactly the picture of fearsomeness."

"Is that even a word?" sneered Bahamut.

"Well, I think that Cynder is pretty sexy in her evil form," commented Bryn.

"I thought that Fang was the lesbian," said Stiria.

"Really? I could've sworn it was Vanille."

"No, it's totally Lightning. It has to be; people ship her with every single girl ever!"

"They also ship her with every single guy," pointed out Bahamut. "Anyway, that's not the point! The point is that dragons are still awesome!"

"Yes, they are," said Hetacon dreamily.

Nix looked dubiously over at Hetaconcheir. "Has he been taking his mistress's pills again?"

"Nope!" replied Het loudly. "Bahamuuuut, we should totally go to my room. I have this awesome waterbed..."

The awkward silence that followed this was broken by Odin's return. The moment he came back, he collapsed to the floor, panting.

"The hell is wrong with you?" asked Bryn.

"Help..." whispered Odin. "He's too evil..."

A dark vortex appeared before him, and an even darker creature appeared before the group. Odin cowered in fear, Bahamut shielded his face, Stiria ate another chocolate, Nix facepalmed with her other hand, Hetaconcheir got a nosebleed, and Alexander... continued drawing.

"Muahahaha!" crowed the newcomer. "Fear me, bitches! I am the almighty Chaos Bahamut."

"Not another one," moaned Brynhildr.

"Oh yes another one," purred Het through his nosebleed. "Just look at that hotness..."

"Allow me to show off my evilness!" roared Chaos Bahamut. "I will bring down the Authoress!"

"Impossible!" cried Odin.

"Yes! You see, up until now, she's been spelling Hecaton's name WRONG!"

"Aww," whimpered Hec. "I liked it the other way."

Suddenly, Chaos Bahamut caught sight of the other Bahamut. "YOU!"

"'Sup," muttered Bahamut sulkily.

"Wait, you two know each other?" asked Stiria, confused.

"We're twin brothers. He's the evil one," added Bahamut. "I call him CB."

"It's the most non-threatening, demeaning nickname ever!" whined CB. "Please don't call me that."

Odin raised his hand, still looking very, very afraid. "Hey, CB, I have a question."

"Speak, weakling! But first..." He shot a burst of blue flame, melting Odin's helmet. Ignoring Odin's scream of despair, he added, "That was for calling me CB!"

Odin sobbed, so Nix had to read his mind and ask the question for him. Can she do that? Yes. Yes she can. It's the permanent facepalm. It lets her do it.

"He wants to know if, since it's pretty obvious that both of your masters have a lot of sexual tension going on, that means that people are going to start shipping the two of you together."

"Ridiculous!" laughed CB.

Somewhere far away, a random fangirl decides to write a lemon between Odin and CB.

Stiria yawned, waved her hand, and everything around her froze. "The Authoress would like to apologize for any spelling mistakes she has made thus far. She is very bored and lazy, and cannot be bothered to fix them. Oh, and she also can't, since she was just KO'd by CB's evilness."

Alexander finished his rabbit drawing. He was very happy with it. He put it down, grabbed a new piece of paper, and then started drawing another one.


	3. Chapter 2: Why Serah and Noel

Chapter 2: Why Serah and Noel don't have Eidolons

"And in here is the Eidolon storage room," said Noctis in a bored monotone, leading the two main characters into the void where the Eidolons lived. "You can take your pick from Hecatoncheir, Alexander, and Brynhildr."

"Umm... why can't I have the horsey?" asked Serah.

"Because that's Lightning's Eidolon."

"Hey, Noctis!" called Bryn. "Why're you here, anyway?"

Noctis cringed. "Because Square don't have anything for me to do right now, so I'm working as the messenger boy."

"So, why can't I have one of those two?" asked Noel, pointing at the Bahamut brothers.

"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY, WEAKLING!"

Bahamut was sleeping. And having a dream where Hecaton was banished to stay away from him forever.

"Because," explained Noctis, exasperated by Noel's stupidity. "Lightning uses Bahamut one time, and CB is Caius' Eidolon."

"I thought that Caius _is _CB, kupo!" squeaked Mog.

"He possesses me," explained Chaos Bahamut. He winced slightly. "It kinda feels like I'm being violated when he does it."

"I can make you feel better..."

_"No, _Hec."

Serah stared at the chaos that was the Eidolons before her. She frowned, examining Brynhildr, before beaming. "Hi! I'm Serah!"

Brynhildr looked horrified by Serah's overly happiness. "Bitch, get away from me!"

"Waah, you're mean!" sobbed Serah. Noel jumped over to hug her a little too quickly, glaring at Bryn.

"Okay, we're not taking that one."

Noctis looked bored. And hot. Like he always does. "So you'll be taking Alexander and Hecatoncheir, then?"

"Ooooh! Serah! Pick me!" screamed Hecaton. "We can compare makeup sets!"

In a flash, Stiria shot up off of her couch. _"You're _the one who stole mine?"

"Whatcha gonna do about it, slut?"

"For the last time," called Nix, absently scratching her glued hand. "You're not a woman, Hec!"

Serah, Noel, and Mog all sweatdropped. "I thought that there were other summons too," said Serah.

"Square Enix was lazy and decided that they couldn't be bothered to design any new ones for XIII-2," said Noctis. He suddenly froze, as if he could hear something that the others couldn't.

"And that, my friend, is why they keep postponing your game's release," Odin told him.

"Maybe we can share an Eidolon?" suggested Noel, looking like he was slightly scared of Hec, who was in the middle of a catfight with Stiria.

"Kupo! Maybe I could be an Eidolon, kupo!"

"Fat chance, marshmallow," sneered the hunter from the future.

"I don't think you'll want Alex, either," said Bahamut, who had been woken up by the catfight. "He only draws rabbits."

"Are we allowed to go without an Eidolon?" asked Serah.

"It isn't against the rules," said Noctis, who looked much paler than before. "I don't see why not."

"FOOLS! WHO DARED TO STEAL MY LAPTOP?"

"Can we leave now?" asked Noel.


	4. Chapter 3: The Interspecies Romance

Chapter 3: The Inter-Species Romance Consultant

One day... or was it night? Does it even matter?

Stiria was probably the second most sane of the Eidolons, after her twin sister, Nix. It was actually quite surprising that Stiria was the second most sane; after all, she wasn't the one who was stuck with a permanent facepalm. However, there was one demeaning fact that made her slightly less so than Nix.

She was utterly and irrevocably in love with Odin.

"Okay, Authoress, stop emulating Twilight already!" Stiria said, shuddering.

Bryn stared at her. "Who are you talking to?"

"No one..."

At that moment, Odin strode into the scene, back from another battle alongside his mistress. He was drenched in sweat, causing most of the Eidolons to move away in disgust, but Stiria almost drooled. CB appeared a moment later, looking completely dazed.

"Damn," he groaned. "That pink haired bitch has one hard-hitting stare of death."

Stiria tried her best to look nonchalant, as though she hadn't just been ogling her crush. Nix's head jerked in her direction, her telepathic abilities instantly telling her exactly what was going on in her sister's mind.

_You might not want to be undressing him with your eyes, first of all._

_S-shut up! Not like you have a crush to complain about._

Stiria was interrupted in her silent argument by none other than the horse master himself. He felt that Stiria, being the most feminine of the group, might be able to help him with his dilemma.

"I have a problem, Stiria."

She was only too quick to reply. "Is there anyway I can help?"

He coughed. "You are familiar with the ways of the female mind, correct?"

"Uh, yeah..." _Ohmygawdishe'?_

_Slow down, bitch!_

_You've been watching the Yes Dance again, haven't you?_

_...Kiki!_

"I..." Odin swallowed visibly. Stiria felt her heart soar. Maybe he was going to confess...?

"I am in love with Lightning!"

Her heart felt almost as decimated as it had the day she found out that she wasn't going to be playable in XIII-2. However, she kept a brave face, and said, "Okay. You want to know how to win her over, right?"

He nodded pathetically. The he blinked. "Wait. Is Hec...?"

"Trying to flirt with Alex? Yeah."

No one had any comment for that.

"Anyway, the first thing you'll wanna do is make sure you just be yourself. If Lightning can't appreciate you for who you are, then it's not worth it."

He blinked again. "... is that it?"

Stiria communicated with the Authoress to make sure. "No. In all of the fanfiction out there, it's usually the confession that gets the couple to realize their feelings for one another. Trying to do all this stuff to make yourself look better in their ways is just wasted. Seriously, authors waste tens of thousands of words. They don't understand how they're making the characters suffer when they could just have them make out and be done with it."

Point taken, Stiria. But it's too much fun to mess with you.

Odin jumped up. "Then I will confess to my mistress at once!" He slumped. "When she calls me, that is."

_You sicken me, you hypocrite. _

_Why don't you mind your own business and keep trying to get that facepalm off you? Don't blame me, it's the authoress's fault!_

_Wait. Can you... communicate with her?_

_I have Authoress given powers, yes. No, I can't ask her to get rid of the facepalm. She likes it there. _


	5. Chapter 4: Shipping Wars

_"Miho LOVES to dance!"_

_"...did you guys hear something?"_

"Would someone please remind me why the HELL we're watching this again?" roared Brynhildr.

"This shit is the only shit worth watching, mortal!" roared CB.

"I'm just watching for the Thiefshipping."

"Oh my gawd, Thiefshipping is _sooo_ hot," drooled Stiria. "Wow, we actually agree on something Hec."

"This episode doesn't even have it!" shouted Bahamut, rolling his tiny-in-proportion- with-the-rest-of-him eyes.

"Shut up, I'm a fangirl!" replied Hec.

"Question," said Nyx slowly, looking as if she was almost afraid to ask. "I could've sworn that you guys were FLight shippers..."

"Eww! NO!" yelled Hecaton.

"Hell yes," muttered Bryn.

"...so then which is better, Thiefshipping or FLight?"

There was silence. Then-

"Snow and Hope, obviously," said Odin.

"Ugh, what?" everyone else cried, looking disgusted. He just glared at them all and started polishing his new shield, with which he hoped to impress his love, a certain pink haired valkyrie ().

"Thaaaat thing is totally compensating for something," sniggered Bryn.

"I didn't think he had one," commented Nyx boredly. Stiria looked extremely disappointed.

CB had let his guard down, on account of the fact that he and his twin brother were arguing heatedly over which of their masters was cooler. Hec took this as an opportunity to glomp him.

"The fool is raping me!" he screeched.

At that precise moment, the video on Stiria's laptop issued the words, _"Surprise butt sex!"_

Everyone froze and stared at the computer, even Hec. Except Alex. He was drawing FLight fanart.

Stiria paused everything for like the fortieth time. What do you want now, bitch?

"The author wants to say that anyone who understands half the references in here gets a hug from CB."


	6. Chapter 5: Announcement!

"Oh look, it's that emo guy who can never seem to get his game actually sold. How are you doing today, Emo Guy?"

"It's Noctis," deadpanned the Emo Guy.

"Sure, Emo Guy," said Nyx. "Sure. My permanent facepalm is right now proving you wrong. I swear, you're like a copy of Sosuke from Naruto."

"Compare me to him again and you will find that your entrails have been shoved up your ass."

All of the Eidolons took a very large step back at that.

"Soooo... whatcha doing, Noctis?" asked Hec, breaking the extremely awkward silence.

"I'm here with some important news."

"LIGHTNING HAS REALIZED HER FEELINGS FOR ME?"

"My facepalm's getting removed?"

"My request to have these fools get nametags that say "Fool!" on them has gotten through to Square Enix?"

"I can finally get drunk WITHOUT Etro being a bitch?"

"I'm getting permission to become a girl? Just what I've always dreamed of!"

"...no," said Noctis, apparently unaffected by the last one, which apparently terrified Bahamut.

Another really long silence followed, in which everyone could feel the cold breeze blow through the place.

"He needs to leave," muttered Stiria. "Like, now. It's only been a minute and my coffee's already cold."

Noctis ignored this in a very sexy fashion. In other words, he stood there and did nothing for a good minute or two.

"The game has just ended."

"IMPOSSIBLE!" shouted CB. "Why was I not summoned?"

"You aren't in the ending sequence," replied Noctis tiredly. "Anyway, your theory was right, Nyx. Square are being trolls again."

"Yay!" squealed Hecaton. "Spoilers!"

"I can't tell you anything," said Noctis. "But you all know what happens."

And somehow, they did. "Oh, that is BULLSHIT!" shouted Bryn. "The evil guys with ominous latin chanting in the background never win! Just look at Sephiroth, for cripe's sake!"

"HA!" roared CB. "YOU LOSE, GENERAL KENOBI!"

"Did his voice actually change for a second there, or was it just me?" asked Stiria.

"It does that," replied Bahamut.

"Anyway," said Noctis. "Since we've all been trolled by Square Enix at some point-"

Once again, he froze up momentarily.

"Whoops. Think you pissed them off again," sniggered Bryn.

He gritted his teeth. "You all get to go on vacation to Valhalla. There, you will be able to interact with the cast members."

"But I thought they were all-" "TROLLED!" "-because of the-" "TROLLED!" said Stiria, frowning. Inwardly, she was deflating because it meant Lightning was still alive.

"Who keeps shouting that?" asked Nyx irritably.

"...it sounded kind of like Gilgamesh."

* * *

><p>Heh, first AN! 'Sup, everybody!

So yeah, I don't REALLY hate the ending. But I didn't like it much either. It wasn't very satisfying. Like, when I finished XIII I had this good feeling, like: okay, so the going'll get tough, but at least they're all together like a family again. And then all this happens. I do like the additions to the cast, though.

I have never written FLight. Not bold enough. And yet I have the audacity to write as though I were a hater...

...ha. I roast haters over the bonfires created from their own flames. You should try it some time.

CARD GAMES ON-

Nyx: NO.


End file.
